I really dont know why i have such a hard time letting people into my life sometimes. Especially boys. It always ends up being a typical routine with me. I start to have feelings for a guy, I allow myself to get initially invested, and then I bail. Of course I always manage to do it in the most insidious of ways. I hide from my feelings out of fear all the time and damnit I dont even know what i'm so afriad of.

I have been in love two times in my life...and both of them ended in heartbreak. The girl I was in love with was my best friend in the entire world....and now we hardly speak. She lives 3 and a half hours away from me, but the distance between us seems so much bigger then that. She left for college when I was getting ready to be a senior in high school - and for some god forsaken reason as I was finally coming out of the closet - she was heading into a conservative religious cult. How ironic, right....? We've tried having conversations, but they always end in the planning of another time to "really" talk. Its sad actually.....that what was once considered the greatest friendship that walked the halls of stockdale high school is now nothing more then occasional small talk. Its hard to explain to people that I truly was in love with this girl. Ya, i know...i'm gay: so I guess it comes with the territory of steotypes on alternative sexualities; that it would be a little taboo for me to love a women. But i did. Sometimes I feel like i still do. Like she was my soulmate, and that I screwed things up between us. I dont think i'll ever absolve myself of that feeling, and its really fucking painful.

Then of course there was my first "real" boyfriend. Interesting how with my confused past, and the lack of experience in any serious/committed relationship that I would find myself in a long distance one. I refused to give every part of me to this boy, even though he was ready and willing every step of the way. I still remember the first time he told me that he loved me, and i responded. I said "i love you" back to him, and I did it with incredible uncertainty. I was spendign more time putting pressure on what i thought my relationship should have been, rather then trying to live in it for a second and see what it could become. I was afraid of being tied down to young, jumping into a relationsihp with a guy who had far too many issues of his own. I wasnt strong enough, and I wasnt sure if I ever would be. You see, its that fear again. Uncertainty, mystery, suspense. All things that I glorified as a young child, and now cant seem to run away from fast enough.

I'm finding myself in a similar situation now. Who ever said casually hooking up with a 30 something year old lawyer would be in store for my college experience. No one actually. Thats probably why i didnt get the forwarning or the pre-older man preperation. Its hard to keep convincing myself its only casual when i'm constantly thinking about him, and he's already becoming a part of my weekly routine. This guy has intellect, charisma, character, beauty and ambition. And at the same time, he represents stability. Something i'm more afriad of then anything else in my life, even spiders.

On the bright side - I'm going to Italy this summer. I've decided to do the study abroad program through the comm department at long beach. 4 weeks in a beautiful foreign country with two of my best friends and my gay director of forensics. Little can I predict what this experience will have in store for me - but i'm hoping that it will be life changing. I think Rome is exactly what the psychoanalyst ordered for me: a chance to get away and put the pieces of my puzzle back together. Figure out what I want from life besides a national championship in parlimentary debate. Its the only damn thing I have thought about or worked for in the past two years of my life...and it's about time I actually face the real world. Boyfriends, classes that i actually attend, the 3.7 GPA I want by the time I graduate, an experience of a lifetime in a foreign country, and yes: a successful debate career. Maybe I wont ever win the NPTE. Maybe that was only possible once, and with the pairing of two particularly talented individuals. But its not the end of the world. I'm going to pick myself up, i'm going to find a debate partner who is willing to work with me next year....and we are going to work our asses off to do the best that we can do. Maybe thats a national championship....maybe its quarters or octas of every big tournament. What matters is that I love debate, and its never going to be ex-communicated from my life. I've accepted that reality too, and you know what....I dont mind it soo much anymore. I'll probably end up a professor, hopefully with a PHD and a reasonably high salary, and i'll most likely coach debate some how. I'm happy with that.

In fact, i'm ecstatic about it.