i've also finally gotten all of my mail stuff taken care of. I sent out a very important letter to katherine, and i'm sure she will be very pleased to hear that! :)
and the greatest of all of the wonderful things happening today: I downloaded the new version of limewire and it is amazing. On top of that, the new macbook is even better! It saves the music from my limewire directly into my itunes without even having to ask me. I dont have to push any annoying buttons, or drag any annoying documents from page to page. I have this feeling that the macbook will continue to amaze me each and every day. I'm looking forward to all the new tricks i'm gonna keep figuring out.
and on a side note: Helen, Ciera, Billy and I were all watching this crazy show this afternoon called "bad girls club" and holy shit, things are getting real, real quick. I cant wait for the next episode! :)
I finally decided on the brand new macbook. Its environmentally friendly, and PERFECT!!!!!!! I've been typing and playing around on it for only 10 minutes...and i've already been compelled to write a blog.
I LOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEE mac's! They are way better then PC's. Tim west actually said it best when describing to dan falls why he was wrong about a mac v. pc debate: "PC's like dell are the equivalent of Ford in the car industry. Mac's are like the Lexis/BMW/Mercedes of the car industry." Very on point.
the most important part is that I really think this new computer is going to inspire me to write again. I want to start organizing my photos and compiling some research for the myriad of ideas funneling through my mind in regards to a potential thesis project. I also am incredibly inspired by my new rhetorical criticism class and the professor who is quite possibly ALTERING my future in ways she couldnt even possibly imagine. I want to be a professor. More then I have ever wanted to be something in my life: i want to be a professor. And i'm going to make it happen. I'm very excited about that fact.
Anyway, i'm going to berkeley tomorrow for the high school tournament. Its going to be my 7th year being at this very tournament on this very weekend. If thats not consistency, I don't know what is.
in light of the past couple weeks/months, I think this trip is way overdue!
and on another great note: I'm in the process of getting approved for my stafford loan this week. I already talked to Wellsfargo - and the minute they get the stamp of approval from the school I'm going to have 5,000 dollars transferred into my account. WHO THE HELL knew that getting a stafford loan was SOOO god damn easy??? Why did I never know this??? It's a student loan that is not credit based and doesn't require a cosigner! that means I get a loan without my parents every finding out! how great is that?!!!
Anyway, I'm super stoked about my classes this semester since I finally get to start taking some upper division women studies courses. I think its going to be a great experience; something that will get me ready for the next couple years of my academic career. I need to stay on track, finish math, get good grades, and did i mention finish math??? ya, I need to FUCKING FINISH MATH!!!!!! Its one god damn course that for the life of me I cannot seem to complete. I've tried it twice now, and I've failed or dropped out both of those times. this semester is going to be different. Although Kristina bell and I are not in the same exact class at the same exact university - we are going to grill each others asses until we get through our math classes! I have a feeling this semester is going to be a a great one for both of us!
As far as debate goes - i'm kind of enjoying the semester off. its the perfect time in my life to invest my energy into studying and work, rather then investing everything I have into debate. Plus - I still get to travel with the team, which makes it alot easier, seeing as I still get to hang around the community that I love. OH and instead of katherine and I winning the NPTE this year - we just get to wonder around waisted, enjoying ourselves in berkeley. How much better can it get then that?
till next time i decide to blog...........
I really dont know why i have such a hard time letting people into my life sometimes. Especially boys. It always ends up being a typical routine with me. I start to have feelings for a guy, I allow myself to get initially invested, and then I bail. Of course I always manage to do it in the most insidious of ways. I hide from my feelings out of fear all the time and damnit I dont even know what i'm so afriad of.
I have been in love two times in my life...and both of them ended in heartbreak. The girl I was in love with was my best friend in the entire world....and now we hardly speak. She lives 3 and a half hours away from me, but the distance between us seems so much bigger then that. She left for college when I was getting ready to be a senior in high school - and for some god forsaken reason as I was finally coming out of the closet - she was heading into a conservative religious cult. How ironic, right....? We've tried having conversations, but they always end in the planning of another time to "really" talk. Its sad actually.....that what was once considered the greatest friendship that walked the halls of stockdale high school is now nothing more then occasional small talk. Its hard to explain to people that I truly was in love with this girl. Ya, i know...i'm gay: so I guess it comes with the territory of steotypes on alternative sexualities; that it would be a little taboo for me to love a women. But i did. Sometimes I feel like i still do. Like she was my soulmate, and that I screwed things up between us. I dont think i'll ever absolve myself of that feeling, and its really fucking painful.
Then of course there was my first "real" boyfriend. Interesting how with my confused past, and the lack of experience in any serious/committed relationship that I would find myself in a long distance one. I refused to give every part of me to this boy, even though he was ready and willing every step of the way. I still remember the first time he told me that he loved me, and i responded. I said "i love you" back to him, and I did it with incredible uncertainty. I was spendign more time putting pressure on what i thought my relationship should have been, rather then trying to live in it for a second and see what it could become. I was afraid of being tied down to young, jumping into a relationsihp with a guy who had far too many issues of his own. I wasnt strong enough, and I wasnt sure if I ever would be. You see, its that fear again. Uncertainty, mystery, suspense. All things that I glorified as a young child, and now cant seem to run away from fast enough.
I'm finding myself in a similar situation now. Who ever said casually hooking up with a 30 something year old lawyer would be in store for my college experience. No one actually. Thats probably why i didnt get the forwarning or the pre-older man preperation. Its hard to keep convincing myself its only casual when i'm constantly thinking about him, and he's already becoming a part of my weekly routine. This guy has intellect, charisma, character, beauty and ambition. And at the same time, he represents stability. Something i'm more afriad of then anything else in my life, even spiders.
On the bright side - I'm going to Italy this summer. I've decided to do the study abroad program through the comm department at long beach. 4 weeks in a beautiful foreign country with two of my best friends and my gay director of forensics. Little can I predict what this experience will have in store for me - but i'm hoping that it will be life changing. I think Rome is exactly what the psychoanalyst ordered for me: a chance to get away and put the pieces of my puzzle back together. Figure out what I want from life besides a national championship in parlimentary debate. Its the only damn thing I have thought about or worked for in the past two years of my life...and it's about time I actually face the real world. Boyfriends, classes that i actually attend, the 3.7 GPA I want by the time I graduate, an experience of a lifetime in a foreign country, and yes: a successful debate career. Maybe I wont ever win the NPTE. Maybe that was only possible once, and with the pairing of two particularly talented individuals. But its not the end of the world. I'm going to pick myself up, i'm going to find a debate partner who is willing to work with me next year....and we are going to work our asses off to do the best that we can do. Maybe thats a national championship....maybe its quarters or octas of every big tournament. What matters is that I love debate, and its never going to be ex-communicated from my life. I've accepted that reality too, and you know what....I dont mind it soo much anymore. I'll probably end up a professor, hopefully with a PHD and a reasonably high salary, and i'll most likely coach debate some how. I'm happy with that.
In fact, i'm ecstatic about it.
I dont want anyone getting hurt in the process. But I realized how much i miss him this past weekend. His touch, our nice conversations, laughing together, cuddling. Is it wrong for me to feel that way? I gave him so much grief for what he did to me - and in the process I feel like i shut him out of my life. Our break up wasnt entirely his fault, and I think i'm finally beginning to take some of the responsibility and owning up to. He's going to be staying with us in a week, and I'm going to most likely hook up with him. I just want to make sure that i'm emotionally ready for that before it happens.
That means I have a week to get my feelings in order. God help me.
and on a much lighter note, Katherine and I are kicking ass at debate. I feel like we click really well in debate rounds....and its clearly paying off. Outside of 2 illegitimate losses...we have won every single debate round we have been in. I forgot how good it feels to win a debate tournament, and it didnt take long for katherine and I to fix that. We won GGI, were the top seed at UOP and both have been getting speaker awards. What more can I ask for. Now its time to make our current arguments PERFECTION, and then write some new snazzy one's. I feel a national championship coming, and it smells REALLY good.
Idea's anyone?
God I love western medicine!!!!!!!!!!!! On thursday, I thought my eye was going to fall out of my face. On Saturday...I feel a little bit of puff, but no pain.
Hopefully by tomorrow my eye will be completely back to normal, which brings me to my next proposition.
snorting cocaine. I have an obsession with it. I've never done it before but its incredibly intriguing to me and I just feel like my life needs it right now. I've done nothing but stress out these past couple weeks. Stress about paying rent, growing up, getting good grades, succeeding at debate, living up to my potential. I think I need a mind altering drug to get my life back on track. I need a wake up call. Something to show me the "light" at the end of the tunnel. In other words...I'm 20 years old. There is literally NO other time in my life that is better for an experimentation kick, then the age of 20.
So, i'm making a commitment. My mother sent me 400 dollars to help with my rent this month. I have a paycheck for 348 dollars - which makes a total of 748. $650 of that is going to rent, which means I have 98 dollars to spend on Gas, Food, and a couple lines of cocaine. In an ideal world I would be snorting this along side Kristina, Katherine, Ciera and Helen. Those are my ideal "coke buddies".
Sorry, i'm just trying to fit the part. :)
when september 11 happened - thousands of american citizens died. We are still mourning those losses.
On friday - the United States executed Air strikes in Afghanistan.
Turns out they killed 90 innocent people of which 60 were under the age of 18, according to the United Nations.
the United States response: "15 of those 90 were militants.....and its unfortunate that they hide in civilian areas."
everyone else in the world should apparently just get over it. Get over the fact that they are loosing daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers, friends. They are loosing homes, infrastructure, jobs, livelihood. Now, i will be the first to recognize that alot of these problems occur inevitably for these people every day, but in mass numbers because of the United States.
Arent we a bunch of privileged bitches. We get to project power on whomever we please and at the will of one person. We get to push buttons and bombs go off, thousands of lives are lost.
But of course - when someone straps a bomb on their own body - they are terrorists. They are radicals. Their tactics of defense against our BILLION dollar military is just unjustifiable.
Now....dont read these comments incorrectly. NEVER would i sympathize with suicide bombing and other acts of guerilla warfare that ALSO kill millions of innocent people. But i can endeavor to interrogate why it is that our violence is so invisible. why casualties in the United States justify torture in places like Guantanamo Bay......
but when the U.N. calls us out for killing hundreds of innocent children - our response is "oh well....thats the side affects of war." its disgusting. I hate our country right now. Call me unpatriotic. I dont give a shit. i FUCKING hate our country.
We are constantly constructing states of emergency to justify states of exception. And its bulshit. We are never held accountable for the malicious military aggression we execute, daily. We answer to no one. Unless you consider appeasing other super powers, answering to authority. I dont.
I'm starting to think the world really does need an ethic of erotic-justice.
I need to find a way to borrow a car. Pay for a ticket at the court house. Drive to the DMV to fix my expired license. Get a rental car. Pay my school fines so i can re-instate the classes that long beach fucking dropped me from. work at the hyatt wednesday 3-11pm, Friday 2-10pm, and then saturday 3-11pm again. And to top it all off school starts next tuesday. Which means i need books. That requires shopping for books which requires time and a car.
On a brighter note - I'm a privileged bitch who lives in a first world country that thrives off of the exploitation of millions. Even when i'm suffering from poverty that i've never been taught to deal with.....it hails in comparison to what others go through every day.
I just have to remind myself of that sometimes. No matter how rough it gets - my life is still FABULOUS.
This weekend was essentially debate camp at Cal State Long Beach. We sat at the big round table we loved and we got shit done. Thats what i love about debate. Being able to dedicate multiple days and some sleepless nights to doing work. It sounds like torture to anyone else, but if there are any debaters reading this blog....you know why we love it. My life is all about debate and to be honest i'm beginning to not care. I know 20 year olds who are in the club every night swallowing pills and snorting coke. That makes my life look angelic. :)
Katherine and I went grocery shopping today and got alot of good things. Fruits, vegetables, steak, cereal, bagels.....
it was fabulous. And i was slightly high during the shopping spree....so it made all of the ails looking appealing. :)
Kristina and I drove to practice in her car today and smoked out of my new piece. It reminded me of some old memories. Sitting in her car around the corner from her house in this dirt lot. and holy shit this big man in a big truck drove right up to us as we were smoking. It was hilarious & scary at the same time. And then there is the time that we were in the macaroni grill parking lot. That was when i was showing kristina my new car. FUCK MOSTAFA.
That reminds me. I wish i fucking had a rental car. Stupid DMV for processing shit so slowly and forcing me to pay for a ticket before you update my expiration date. That means i have to wait in line at the court house. And the last time i was in a court house there were kids behind me talking about slapping some bitches and hoe's. Fuck the courts.
Sorry....that was my rant. Now i'm going to get some debate work done. and drink some diet pepsi max. which is the nectar of the gods.
i've never been this excited about debate in my life. I finally feel like i have a coach who cares about me. A coach who is in it for the win but for building a team as well. Its almost a sigh of relief. I'm seeing things in Bill this year that I have never seen before. I have a feeling this is goin to be an amazing year.
And that doesnt even begin to account for the appreciation that I have for Katherine preston. She's already been a significant part in shaping and reshaping the way i view debate....but is teaching me things every day. What more can you ask from a partner? Someone who carries you through your first traditional round in five years and makes it look easy. ya...my partnes kind of a bad ass. Not to mention we agree on pretty much everything, especially patriarchy. (Grace needs to seriously stop projecting her masculinity.) What we dont agree on is the fact that she blatantly judged me during our first interaction ever at wyoming, round 3. That bitch thought i was going to consensus build, then said switchside debate, then judged me with intense facial expressions. But then we figured out we were both gay and instantly became buddies. Little did either of us know that this was SERIOUSLY just the beginning.
now i'm ranting....because i'm stoned and I havent blogged in FOREVER. so whatever.
I'm anxious for school to start. It means i have to face, once again, the battle against math. FUCK MATH. FOR REALZ. That subject has single handedly managed to find a way to fuck up my life in one way or another. Maybe if i go to class this semester things will be different. And to be honest, thats the plan. Wake up in the morning, go to school, do debate, sleep, coach, work at the hyatt. I'm going to focus on being excellent at all of those things before i take on any new tasks.
And on a side note. MOTHER FUCKING MOSTAFA. what the fuck were you thinking crashing into my car. Not only did you strip me of a vehicle for over a week, but you fucking waited 4 days until you contacted your insurance. Whatever...i'm slightly over it. I'll be happier once i have a working license and my rental car.
I'm still really pissed about ocean acidification. I wish we would stop fucking over the planet.
I also really wish kristina bell was back from mcdonalds.
The end.
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